A rare apology…

The recent discussion over the “Delusion” post points out very clearly to me that the post itself utterly failed on every level. The post itself was harsher than it needed to be. The language may well have been over inflammatory. I had some points to make, some of which I will clarify below. I seem to have utterly clouded each and every one of them because frankly the post is probably too inflammatory. There may well have been good cause to spend more time, make it a longer post and communicate more clearly.

For that, I apologize.

Certainly one of the beauties / dangers of blogging is that it is so immediate. No doubt we all have posts where we could have said what we wanted to say better. Certainly I do  As for the points that I intended to make in that post (and seem to be entirely absent from it) I’ll have to do a better job of them at some point in the near future.

What follows below is a post that is essentially a response I started in the comments, but became long enough that I think it is a post of it’s own. Thanks to belledame222 and RenegadeEvolution for engaging me on this instead of just writing me off (yet)  :)

belledame222 said: “Yes, heaven forfend we just accept ourselves…”

All I said about accepting ones self was that I consider an honest self evaluation to be a important part of self esteem and self acceptance. That’s it. I am not sure how you get insulted or hurt by that statement, truly.

Of course no one has to care about or follow my opinions of body shapes in order to be self accepting. If they think they look fantastic or if they don’t care whether or not they look fantastic then good for them. All I recommend as far as self esteem goes is for people to have thought about it and actually have reasons for their self opinion – whatever it is. Self esteem without self appraisal is meaningless.

I cannot take responsibility for the emotions of others. I can only take responsibility for what I say.

belledame222 said:  “You’re doing exactly, but EXACTLY the same crap that the radical feminists you love to make fun of do…. Hey, it’s not just me, it’s how the world is! I can’t possibly just cop to my own personal preferences without trying to make other people feel like shit in the process! much less acknowledge that the entire world might not be the way I think it is! It’s not me, it’s YOU!”

I disagree, and I think the characterization is basically and untrue every step of the way.

• Hey, it’s not just me, it’s how the world is! – it isn’t just me. I see no reason to pretend that their isn’t a fairly common, consistent and widely valid idea of what is attractive. To deny reality to spare someone’s feelings doesn’t change reality and it rarely spares the feelings.
• I can’t possibly just cop to my own personal preferences – I “cop to” my preferences all the time. I simply also know why I have them and I don’t mind discussing the underlying reasons as well.
• trying to make other people feel like shit in the process! – The post you are responding too absolutely does attack people… but not the people you are so passionately defending. The people I attacked are those people who have a delusional idea of reality and see every single image as part of a vast, blog spanning conspiracy that is aimed at ruining their lives. It’s arguable that any of those people even could be made to feel bad because of my words as they have no intention or ability to take in opinion they disagree with anyway. All of the nasty stuff you seam to have read that was attacking overweight women themselves? It isn’t there. It simply isn’t in the words I wrote.
• much less acknowledge that the entire world might not be the way I think it is – once again, not only are you reading things I didn’t say – you are ignoring things I DID say. I have specifically mentioned that individuals have differing preferences. I have specifically mentioned that some people have fetishes. I have specifically mentioned that many men have a broad range of what they will find attractive enough to date / love / partner with. Specifically, in English, in writing. To claim that I have not acknowledge differing standards, attractions and opinions is to literally deny a reality that sits on this very page in front of you.
• it’s not me, it’s YOU! – to some degree it isn’t me. It certainly isn’t my doing that there is a human attraction drive that depends in large part on body shape – I didn’t create it. It isn’t my fault that the desired traits are what they are – I didn’t invent them. It is not my doing that many people have self esteem issues when faced with that fact… I did not shape their minds. it is not my fault that the images in question were much, much more popular and attractive in their original incarnation – I didn’t guide our evolution. Quite frankly I don’t even know how it could be me that is responsible for any of that.

RenegadeEvolution said: “People are attracted to what they are attracted to….but I know a whole lot of men who will take a gal with a good sense of self esteem who doesn’t whine about how fat or ugly she is over a “hot chick” who does.”

Of course they will. Again, I am a bit unsure where anything I said contradicts this concept in any way at all. I am, of course, not sure why someone would feel they had to maker that choice of course – it seems to me like one can have it all with a bit more effort but people fall for who they fall for.

RenegadeEvolution said: “but what is stressed for a male (make good money, be strong) is different than what is stressed for a female (be attractive, be gracious), and I really don’t think the majority of men can understand just how different the “be attractive” pressure can be for women.”

An interesting point and one I am certainly not in a strong position to argue from personal experience. I have no doubt that it is a very different kind of pressure (on at least some levels). Of course on other levels there are parallels. To some extent strength, intelligence and earning potential are genetically determined just as beauty is so some of the same frustrations probably apply. I am not going to try and draw any equivalences here… it’s impossible. I can only say that yes there is pressure, and no doubt it effects many people in different ways. My only suggestion is that we try and help people deal with the pressure, rather than pretend it doesn’t exist or that it is an artificial construct of a vast conspiracy.

RenegadeEvolution said: “I think mocking them or trivializing it (or them) is a cheap and shitty thing to do.”

Again, obviously the post sucks. There were certainly better ways to say what I was trying to say. My intended target was not the “chicks” themselves but the circus of denial, insanity and paranoia that the images engendered. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly no poster child for to
lerance. I have a mean sense of humor and I have no doubt it will show through fairly constantly. In this case however that post was deeply flawed and I can only say “yup, it was a bad seed that post”.